my heart hopes

old favourites #1

2012-03-08T17:09:00.000+11:00

pretty much.

confrontation

2012-02-08T23:05:00.004+11:00

although we first watched les miserables when we were 11 and 14 respectively, my brother and I, believe it or not, were having ktv-ing to all the songs from way younger. Except that there wasn't any accompanying music, and instead of lyrics from a screen, we used the little lyric book that came with the two-volume CD until it was dog-eared and sort of falling apart.

I don't really know where that book has landed up (for the umpteenth time...) but no fear, because years of really gratuitous lyric memorization means that the soundtrack of les mis are now anthems of my life. Looks like I'm not alone- Jason Segel would make a pretty good Jean Valjean. Also I looked the lyrics of that musical up last night... and began my forty five minute singalong complete with voices. how much of a dork am i? but somehow it just never gets old. Never.

st paul de vence

2012-02-08T16:02:00.002+11:00

the weather was lovely! we walked everywhere and saw a lot of buildings made of... stones. also, after a forty five minute trek up a hill, my family realized that we didn't understand contemporary art.

somewhere they speak english

2012-02-07T22:37:00.003+11:00

Manchester 2012

England is pretty much like Australia. Plus: White Christmases, delicious hot chocolate, lots of quaint towns that look the same after awhile, Cath Kidston, Urban Outfitters, and wicked cold winters.

Minus: Really good brunch. Make that decent food at reasonable prices...

(See Exhibit 1)

(And read it)

Take me back in the summer ? :)

Cola.

pretty pretty.

2012-02-07T15:43:00.001+11:00

images via here

On that note...
Not ready to commit to blogging here again. but here are some pretty prints :)

sit here and say something

2011-12-08T16:50:00.001+11:00

nothing seems right!

Poem.

2011-10-22T15:52:00.004+11:00

Ah. Today is a nice day. Nothing to do, no one to see- And I'm okay with it. These days don't seem to come around a lot. Woke up with those three notes from It Is Well With My Soul, in my head. I felt so bathed in peace. I don't know who has been praying for me, or maybe it's just God himself, but thank you and thank You :)

So I've cleaned my house and cleaned some more. Watched some Youtube. Pondered my existence, per Psalm 90. It doesn't really feel like exams are a week away. Don't have a lot to say, I just found this poem and song though... enjoy. Happy (or pensive...) weekend :)

It's been the rain

It's been the storms

It's been the days when I've been worn

That I have found you, Lord

That I have seen you, Father

It's in the pain that I have grown

Through all the sorrow I have known

But if that's what it takes

For you to lead me this far,

Go ahead and break my heart

from here

Block.

2011-10-20T21:39:00.008+11:00

You know that stage when you're revising, or doing an assignment. Mainly doing an assignment- when you're just like, I got nothing. The screen emanates a deathly glow. Your computer hums and it's way too hot. You scratch your head.

Yeah.

Feeling a little off weather and been listening to way, way, way too much bluesy music- cat power, eva cassidy, norah jones.... blah.

The penny never drops nowadays. I feel socially retarded standing in a bunch of more than ten people. Blame the essays. Blaming the essays. Dreading summer school. I may die. This is extremely out of character for me. Am I really this pessimistic?

(I envision myself: calling home everyday to tell my mum that I'm alive, skyping people a lot more than i am now, making a video about how still the australian landscape can get, buying a fan, crying a little bit, watching lots of movies alone. going to bookshops and eating ice cream, talking to God a fair bit (you don't say! lol), talking to myself wayyyyy too much, being too lazy to move, fulfilling my destiny of being a weird yarn lady and crocheting scarves for everyone I promised, eating cornflakes, and hopefully I find someone to go to the beach with. I also hope I get to pet dogs: missing mine now.)

Still have 500 words and a ton of referencing to complete. Also, would just like to say that the sound of whisks on drums = Best sound ever.

These are the times of love and meaning
Ice of the heart melted away and found the light
These are the days of endless dreaming
Troubles of life are floating away like a bird in flight

Reflections: lessons learnt.

2011-10-15T11:48:00.008+11:00

I thought that this was a good juncture to do some reflection- after the last BS of the year, my responsibilities as a cell group leader have (more or less....) been relinquished! (or so I like to believe. for now. Heh.) Last night was also the first time I led worship, and upon consideration at home, i realized that the lessons that I've learnt leading cell group were really confirmed and served to help me as I was leading worship. Interesting.

I love how God has seriously challenged my notions of what being a 'cell leader' is. Everything I thought was the meaning of what a 'cell leader' is has been turned right on its head. I thought that being a cell leader meant, basically, being a super woman- knowing not just some, but ALL, of the answers; managing one's time to the minute, so that other time could be spent calling up cell members & finding some way to bond; being the one who is so confident that she could challenge her cell members to think... stuff like that. To a certain extent, yeah. You know, that is a cell leader. But that's only one type of cell leader. And honestly, I don't know how often such a cell leader comes around. If you ask me, that sounds like Jesus... because if you're in uni, and you can do all that and be totally loved by not just everyone but also yourself, I am totally respectin'. Anyway, here's a very short and impromptu list of lessons learnt.

- Ask questions. As a cell leader, you don't have to know all the answers. I don't really know if you should- cell leaders shouldn't just be answering all the questions. You should be asking questions too, because this helps you and so many others explore their issues of faith and challenge their notions of.... life? Oh my. Where are these words coming from? Yeah. But ask questions! Take a risk! It's actually kind of fun.

- Make friends. I do regret not getting to like, bond with my cell group more. So future cell leaders who are reading this- be cool and drop a text every week to your cell group. Text them individually if possible. Call them if you're comfortable with that. Ask them out for lunch. Tea. A talk. Buy them oranges. Tell them about your crappy week and how screwed you are for exams. You'd be surprised how much they can relate. You're not just some sort of random figurehead who knows a lot of bible stuff, you're supposed to be their friend too. Help them when the going gets tough. Feel supported by them when you're feeling all crappy about some random cell session with too many awkward silences. Friendship is a two-way street.

- Pray. I don't think I prayed hard enough for these kids. But God was really gracious and He really taught me that He sees people, even when I don't!

- Let go. Man can plan, but ultimately, it's God who directs his steps. It's not just about doing your part in preparing (you should be!) but it's about trusting that no matter what happens, God will have His way, in teaching your cell whatever it is He wants them to learn. It could be many things, and you may feel really encouraged, or it could just be one thing- but it could be something that everyone has forgotten. At the end of it all, it's all about Him. Commit your plans to Him- He wants to give you good things. He will give you good things.

- Be brave. Here's a cliche that i think everybody should hear: overcome fear with faith. Whether it's leading a worship team, a prayer meeting, a cell group in discussion- know that He's led the way, He's leading the way, and He wants you to follow in His footsteps. It's not easy, because the first step is always the hardest. Or whichever step. Whenever you see a giant challenge looming in front of you, it's never easy. But draw strength from Him! Pray like never before. And charge ahead, just trusting and rejoicing in Him- He will walk, run and even carry you through, if need be.

Yeah, but we made it through KH!!!!! 2011. What a year.

(And it's not even over!)

Recently & Randomly No.54

2011-10-12T23:09:00.004+11:00

Here it is folks, a break from the seriousness of life in general. Love is in the air, ain't it! Heh. I can't really testify to that, but my Youtube videos can... Recently and Randomly Arbitrary Number Fifty Four: Love Songs Sung Mainly By Men. And also, The Milk Episode.

1. Heath Ledger is too cute in this. The band: very well-played.

2. Gabe Bondoc. So worth a repost.

3. Heard this on the carride home on Sunday. What a song.

4. Paul's milk is the best tasting milk that I have ever drank. I just bought a carton last friday. It expired yesterday. But not more than two hours ago, I took a sniff. and then drank a gulp of it. Pronounced it fine and good-tastin', and proceeded to eat some digestives with said expired milk. Badassery. Yo.

I may or may not be having a tummy ache now... Stay tuned to find out more. Or not.

I do wonder what has happened to the cutthroat efficiency with which I used to tackle any and every assignment that came my way back in JC. I really feel like I was at my best in that season.

Any how. Here's to (in my unfortunate and not that hardcore case-) early nights, early mornings, stuffy library air and free oranges.

Faith weekend.

2011-10-10T12:41:00.003+11:00

I don't really know if it's something infectious! After reading about Charis' struggles, I found myself grappling with (not exactly) the same old same old questions about my own perceptions of what i believe in... again.

Theologically speaking, I'm sure the answers would differ.

However, in essence, I'm pretty sure what I'm struggling with are issues of faith. I can't seem to pinpoint whether it's my heart or my head lagging behind, although labelling it would be rather irrelevant, honestly.

I think it's quite funny though. Because faith is believing in something despite lack of proof- to put it concisely. And if I put my trust in Him, despite the fact that I can't seem to convince myself that -insert relevant issue-.... isn't that an exercise of my faith?

It's a little unsettling, as always. But I believe I'll get through... hopefully sooner, rather than later. I really am thankful He's walking me through this process with a strange sense of humour-logic.

Off to Evi tute now!

a real passion

2011-10-04T13:24:00.004+11:00

would love to see these documentaries-

1. Bill Cunningham New York

Bill Cunningham New York Trailer from Gavin McWait on Vimeo.

2. Being Elmo

Watching these trailers warms my heart. I love that the man behind Elmo just wants to make kids/people happy! And I don't know much about Bill Cunningham, but I think these people are testimonies to where your passion can carry you, if you put your love and life into it: not only impacting yourself, but inspiring the people around you, and even those who don't know you.

Great is Your love.

2011-10-03T21:44:00.004+11:00

It was so good to get away with all the people that I love, at a really crappy place, but it was lovely nonetheless! Really highlighted the warmth of the people (: I will always remember what Desiree told me what Joewin said, that at times, OCF was a glimpse of what Heaven looked like. I am inclined to agree, and be so happy thinking about that.

In other news, it's a month to exams! Have to get cracking!!!!

AWOL

2011-09-27T22:12:00.005+10:00

Sorry about failing to update... Been busy living my life. Haha!

Spring break is finally here (:

But a lot of things have been happening... Hope everyone would still remain joyful despite the circumstances. Keep praying for all the sick peeps!

This video sparked an entire conversation in my head about a heart and lifestyle of worship. Whatever your background, I hope you will understand why I linked this video.

Have a good spring break, all!

Procrastination with a capital p

2011-09-19T13:58:00.002+10:00

Make your own animation

:'(

... in other news, I have officially marked that pencil as mine. Forever.

Birthdays.

2011-09-17T21:13:00.003+10:00

I'm a really bad friend in that I am always late for birthday presents. Wishes are fine, I guess, because they're easy. But presents...

they're difficult!

I know, I know, I have no excuse. Someone can get another present for someone else on time every single year. The problem must lie with myself.

Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough. That would explain it. Because every time I have to get a present for someone, I just can't seem to find the perfect one. I don't want to be slip-shod and give them the first thing I see whenever I go into a shop... It has to remind me of them, and at the same time, I want them to think of me when they look at it.

So I've come up with a few solutions:

- The moment I see something that reminds me of that someone, I'm going to buy it and give it to them! Even if it's not their birthday.

.... Um.

And... in order to buy myself some time, perhaps I shall give everyone that I love a big present on my birthday instead. Because really, when they say that a birthday is a celebration of your life- it's really a celebration of the people in your life. You wouldn't have been able to make it without them. I think I'll get my mum a present. For birthing me. Talked about birth today with Charis.

Interesting perspectives.

People who give other people birthday presents on time, I respect you. This is an aspect of self-improvement I am working on. Friends, get ready to be blown away by my punctuality. (Or please love me for how incorrigible I am, nonetheless.)

This post sounded a lot smarter in my mind.

My symphony.

2011-09-15T23:21:00.009+10:00

An oldie but goodie. I am also loving the acoustic bass guitar thingum.

I was on Tumblr just now, and I saw this screencap of Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass. The exchange went something like this:

Blair: That's not how it is.
Chuck: It's exactly how it is. So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass. And I love you.

I bet countless fans all over the world cried over that line. I think it's because some people find identification in being loved by someone. It's probably part of the human condition, or whatever the appropriate term is. And... I feel a little bit weird applying Gossip Girl to something that I linked with QT, but God's the god of primetime TV as well, I suppose----

So... whenever we forget who we are, whenever we forget what we're worth, remember that He is God- He made the heavens and the earth, the stars, the milky way; He made the Universe, and He made human beans! And to Him, you're worth living and dying for, whether you know or accept it as a truth. And as Jon Foreman sang, every breath is a second chance- you're walking, breathing, living in His love, whether you did wrong or did right today, whether the skies are grey, or prospects are getting brighter and better. And when I think about how we were always, and will continue to be defined by His love, it makes my strange and tempestuous circumstance seem... okay. It is okay- If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

1 Pet 5:7.

... Thoughts in the library. I likes that place.

Also, congrats, Sally :)

Warmth.

2011-09-12T20:30:00.006+10:00

He was neither rich nor great, young nor handsome; in no respect what is called fascinating, imposing or brilliant; yet he was as attractive as a genial fire, and people seemed to gather about him as naturally as a warm hearth. He was poor, yet always appeared to be giving something away; a stranger, yet everyone was his friend; no longer young, but as happy-hearted as a boy; plain and peculiar, yet his face looked beautiful to many, and his oddities freely forgiven for his sake.

- Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Today, I was reminded of who I am, and who I want to be, I think. So many people can look at a person and think nice things about that person, but whether or not it's true is something else entirely. Of course, we all have our 'off' days, as well as the days when it's easy to love the people around us. But today I think I learnt that I still have a loooong way to go, in terms of putting other people first- and I really hope that some time (hopefully soon), those 'off' days won't be so regular....

To all the people who talk to acquaintances on the bus even when they look kind of grumps... you are champs! And this grumpy person says sorry.

Where your heart is.

2011-09-07T22:04:00.002+10:00

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie.

I remember standing in that field about a year and a half ago, looking up into that night sky, and asking God desperately- do you love me? How much do you love me?

The answer never changes. And I can rest, assured that His love will always be for me. I don't know what's coming up, but I know that with Jesus on my side, I will sing for joy, no matter what the circumstance.

Here's a poem!

2011-09-06T23:59:00.005+10:00

Hi! I was on the bus today and I was thinking about really nice lines to say if my life was a haiku, or an indie film. Sadly, it is not. So I'm sitting at my desk now and I have decided to deliver a poem based on today's experience that may be very bad or very good, depending on how much you like me :)

The Smile

The smile remained secret

Even to the ones who exchanged it

but all too soon

the door opened

and we bounded into the sunshine

of our own lives

I know it's not going to win a Pulitzer, okay, I composed this in like ten minutes!

indies... don't wanna go to school

2011-09-05T23:16:00.005+10:00

Hi!

This is a really irrelevant picture of me being indie and holding my guitar before I ran of for class sometime last week. haha! Okay I suppose it is relevant because this is my blog. I also had nice hair, so I thought it would be nice to document. - THIS - close to fulfilling pretty bun hair fantasy :') Haha. I know, I feel a little bit vain. Just a little. I really didn't want to go to school that day. But I did! And you should too. This is motivation for all you down and out people. If I can do it, so can you! Also, I thought that since I've been emo lately, I shall post something more light-hearted this time around. yes, light-hearted = picture of me. Deal with it, guys.

In other news... Desiree Grace and I had dinner and the idea of a Monash prayer run was born. It would be awesome to have OCF, but what would be even more awesome would be getting other campus movements involved too! God is really exciting.

I was also thinking about leaving you guys with the verse saying The joy of the Lord is our strength. But somehow after giving it a read, I think I'll leave all of you with the whole chapter of Neh 8 (here). It is an amazing passage, very powerful indeed :) Hope all you students are finding joy even through your work!

Love

cola

Defect

2011-09-03T19:45:00.003+10:00

The flaw is no more
noticeable, even to me,
than a new moth-hole
in my sweater, or
a very bald spot
on the fabric of
my velvet vest.

Yet when
I hold the cloth
up to the window
the sunlight
bleeds through.

-Luci Shaw

The choice to...

2011-08-28T17:47:00.007+10:00

If any one was here with me right now, I would get excited about the colour that the sun is making the trees outside my window! But then. Today's a weird comment day, and so people may give me strange looks! Nevertheless, it is a glorious shade of orange and peach. And the leaves on the branches are swaying very tragically in the wind. I am so glad I am inside.

Psalms is a book I read quite a bit. It's a book I enjoy reading because it's very nice poetry. And the great thing about Psalms, like songs, is that there's a psalm for every occasion: When you're happy, when you're sad, when you're joyful, when you're angry.

If you know me, you would know that while people do make me angry, I'm not very inclined to being mad for very long- instead I tend to be more melancholic and I sigh very deeply as if to say, why is my life so tragic? So it's a little bit ironic, but imagine the surprising joy I felt when I opened my Bible and found that there were so many Psalms that more than echoed my sentiments, as many of the Psalms were composed in great desperation and depression.

And when I was younger, I would read psalms like these- at the beginning I would go, wow, this guy knows exactly how I feel. But by the end of the Psalm, I would be a little indignant. My thought process went something along the lines of: God, you do realize that in the span of one psalm, this guy's life has changed from being difficult and desperate to being one where he can jump around and sing songs to you? This is really unrealistic and it doesn't match how I feel at all! I would close my bible and be really disappointed that nothing in the Bible was matching what I was feeling.

I read this psalm sometime ago. It's very poetic, and I think it may be one of my favourite psalms. Psalm 42:11 says-

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

And it was then that I was like, OHHHH. Gosh, you're lame, Cola. and thanks God, for telling me.

Yet: That one word really makes all the difference, doesn't it? I guess it took a slightly more 'pessimistic' psalm in a sense to understand what those psalmists meant. This psalm is different in a sense from many of the psalms I've read because he doesn't seem to be totally out of the woods yet. I'm no bible scholar, so I could well be wrong, but give it a read, and maybe you will agree that the tone he takes isn't that jubilant. It's genuine, but he's still obviously in pain, and you can just imagine that he's tired from everything that's going on around him.

And it's from this psalm that I realized what the other psalms meant. It's not that their lives were any easier from mine- truth be told, they were probably going through persecutions and pain that I can't even understand- but they made a choice to sing and be glad because they knew who was sovereign, and who was worthy of their praise. They made a choice to put their hope in Him. Not just when times were good, but when times were bad too.

So I learnt: The choice to remember Him despite my circumstances is mine to make. It's not easy, and I love how this Psalm encapsulates that struggle. But strike out in faith, and trust that one day you will praise Him with a renewed zeal, free of sadness and anger and pain.

Uh. Gratuitous.

2011-08-27T14:43:00.005+10:00

Media law essay due on Monday. It's really not that ideal. Oh well. I'll just write a blog post about how I feel: The weather's great! hopefully my positive mood continues till tonight. It's sad how a mere 18 months ago, I didn't have eyebags. Look how far I've come.

1,500 words: Let's go! WAR CRY

Hope your saturday is going well.

When you don't know what to do....

2011-08-26T12:35:00.001+10:00

Sing.

Reading list #___

2011-08-24T21:27:00.012+10:00

I don't really feel like giving an arbitrary number today.

I was strolling through the Education section in the Matheson while eating a fruit tart this afternoon, and decided that I shall always be a little bit of a child at heart. It's a little bit strange because I remember beginning to read at the ripe old age of six, and never stopping. I remember Peter and Jane, and graduation to Berenstein bears, then the Magic Schoolbus, and on to Enid Blyton- so the logical conclusion was that somehow or other, I would have managed to start reading something other than children's books. But it seems that my reading progress got slightly retarded along the way- and at 19 and 3/4, nothing thrills me more than seeing The Phantom Tollbooth, or Mary Poppins again.

Thinking about my winter break, where I spent a week lounging about reading graphic novels- perhaps they are the best compromise for me, the bridge between child and 'adult'. I do sigh when I think about Watchmen though. ( I can't remember anything except for the fact that everyone around me was raving about how good it was. This makes me feel a bit bad for not remembering anything.)

Any how, in honor of Khiah Carmen or Carmen Khiah, I resurrect our post-basking-on-the-lawn reading list, and hope that she will smile and write one too. I don't really remember if I actually read the books on last year's list, so this year's shall be considerably shorter... and easier to read. I have grown so much softer, I know.

1. Shortcomings by Adrian Tomine

Cynics make me laugh. Also, the fact that it's a graphic novel earns me some indie points, yes yes yes? Haha.

2. South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami

Always wanted to!!! Haven't done so!!!!

On a pathetic note, I went hunting for the said book list, and finding it, sadly realized that I did not read a single book that I listed! I started on Brideshead Revisited, but got distracted... eventually. Haha! I did however, manage to watch Up! It's the cutest :')

Oh well. I guess it's all for the best, because cousins and very very very nice people will lend me books they like- and I shall fall deep deeply in love with stories I never thought I'd hear.

love,

cola

We see what we want.

2011-08-23T23:47:00.003+10:00

“You know what I can’t understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I’ve been telling you for years. So why don’t you believe it? Why do you think people say that stuff? Do you think it’s a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?”

— David Nicholls (One Day)

This quote makes me laugh. Also, Desiree and I totally made friends with the Suez Delight uncle because we helped out with his twitter page. Unfortunately, I don't think we're on his VIP list, so we will probably still catch him on his bad temper days : / Oh well, I guess that's all part of being friends with someone, if it means seeing each other at their worst and best. HMM. Point of interest: we also saw him at Macca's! Btw, shaker fries are back.

everything is beautiful

2011-08-21T20:36:00.002+10:00

Today was such a worried day. I am such a worry-wart! Anyway, like an 8-year-old once said, sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it- which is what I did, Desiree and I KO-ing on my bed in our church clothes, making sure our feet don't touch my bedspread, as per our weird Singaporean OCD impulses.

It was a cold nap, and I woke up a few times, still worrying. But eventually I sat up and felt like I could face the day again. Walked to the window, and the sun was going down over Mannix. A photo (taken by myself at least) can't encapsulate in words how magnificent it was, how magnificent it continues to be every single day- and I realized that my worry was for nothing. As there is a designated time for a sunset, God sees the desires of my heart, and has set a designated time to fulfill those desires. When the time is right, He will let it happen, and it will be as beautiful as that sunset.

Oh You Bring- Hillsong United.

2011-08-19T17:34:00.009+10:00

God, keep my hands open.

Let me live out my trust in You.

Tom, get your plane ride on time.

2011-08-18T18:24:00.007+10:00

I love Simon & Garfunkel, but after writing about a paragraph of why I love them and why I love this song, I realized that I sounded like a pretentious doot, so I decided not to write about them, and just post the darn song, so you guys could get in on the sentiment. You're welcome.

Why do I sound so angry ):

Overwhelming.

2011-08-15T22:59:00.002+10:00

I love this! I love how God gets so excited about Kim Walker worshipping Him, and I love how He is as thrilled when any of us worship Him too. (': Because we're made in His image, it's so overwhelming to think that He reacts a little bit like us when something amazing happens.

You haven't lost me.

2011-08-14T22:21:00.005+10:00

After a rather tempestuous day,

I am sitting at my table, typing this out. I'm so tired. I need some rest.

And all I see
It could never make me happy

All my sandcastles spend my time collapsing.

God. I can't do this. I can't run around in logical or illogical circles anymore.

It's so pointless and tiring, I can't stand it- and even though it's scary as, this is the only thing that I can do. This is the only thing that I can do, to know that you're real, I'm going to step out of this boat of a thousand questions. I don't know what I'm doing, but you know exactly what I need. I give this to You- this dissatisfaction with questions, discontent with answers, this fear, this uncertainty, this waiting around thinking that any moment now- I will trust in Your timing, I will trust in Your love, I will trust in You.

You know how weak I am, You knew how weak Peter was, You knew he would get scared and start sinking-

but You haven't lost me yet. You called him out of his boat, nonetheless, and You caught him, and I know You'll do the same for me. I believe that. And I'll run until my heart caves in, I'll sing until my voice goes praising You, even though I don't know, even though I'm not sure, even though I don't know for sure- I've seen before that You are real, and You will continue to be real. You will continue to be real, even if I doubt that. And one day, maybe someday soon, You will open my eyes to see what I need to see.

So much more inside.

2011-08-13T20:11:00.001+10:00

I think I post this song on facebook or relevant blog every year or two since it's come out. It's such a cute song!

Steeping.

2011-08-13T15:37:00.003+10:00

Am going to make that a tag too. haha. Because I feel like it is going to become a big part of my life.

"
How wonderful it is to know that the Lord is watching over us. But the question is this: Are we able to see His face in events like these?
What should we do when we feel lost in the dark, when, no matter what we do, we simply can't seem to find the Lord or hear Him? We must remember that whether or not we see Him, He is still with us. We must learn to quiet ourselves and wait, asking the Holy Spirit to open our inner eyes to see Him.
When we can't see Him or feel Him, we should deliberately look for Him. We will soon realize He has been right alongside us the whole time, and that will change everything for us.
Often our problem is that, like Elijah, we are trying to see the Lord in the midst of huge events and experiences. But more often than we realize, He will reveal Himself in a still, small voice and in tiny events and encounters.
The one who seeks will find. The one who knocks will have the door opened. Let us not struggle, strive and fight for years in our own strength, when all it takes is just to pause and wait in His presence. Then we will see everything from His perspective.
Keep your eyes and ears open—you will see Him. For He Himself has promised, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). And He always keeps His promises. "

- K.P Yohannan

Often times, I wonder if even the most mature of christians struggle with sitting in darkness, feeling such a piercing fear of whether everything that holds us together, of whether the God that we know and worship and love, is real.

Of course I know He's real, and He has answered me every single time that I have called on Him. But I do wonder if many people go through this- because it is so humbling, and so indicative of how minute my faith is. I wonder if these questions continue to recur, and if so, how do so many men and women get the strength to continue to do what they do and fight so valiantly for Him?

(Steeeeeeping.)

I think that it probably does happen. And that as I grow older and (hopefully) wiser, what will happen is that I won't break out in a cold sweat, and lean on people's shoulders hoping to glean some faith or courage by way of osmosis.

Perhaps I'll reflect on my faith history. probably I'll pray quite hard against such fear. Perhaps I'll... think of Who God is. I guess God will help me to regroup faster. Or... maybe He'll open my eyes to something new and something that I haven't thought of. Because even though many people think about... other things, different things, totally cool things that nobody ever thinks about, because God has opened their eyes to that, I guess this is just where I'm supposed to be for now. Being still. Knowing He is God. Getting over my fear.

Hmm.

(:

Gawk at the Awk.

2011-08-10T23:06:00.005+10:00

I miss my momma ): and my daddy.

It's strange because I never called my daddy daddy. Anyways.

I was talking to Charis today. (HI) (Also, I love how she procrastinates. She missed five buses in the course of our conversation. True story.) And I learnt many many things. Because she has a lot to say and I guess I also have a lot to say. Secretly, or not. Haha. I'm still digesting our conversation. Some moments were really moving and serious, but some moments were totally hilarious. I'm still laughing.

(Okay, this was actually yesterday, but we realized that why 'enthusiastic' people to her are freaked out and made awkward by me because of my punctuation diahhrea. you think you have a problem?????? well you clearly haven't seen me text!!!!!!!!! cool beans!!!!!!!!! whatsssupp~!~!~)

Today was a really cold day, btw. I hope you kept warm. BRR.

Thoughts I'm Thinking Today.

2011-08-08T22:40:00.007+10:00

I should make the title a tag. Haha. Primarily, I suppose my thoughts mainly revolve around something random and lame. haha. What's new.

1. Eating eggs.

I hate how eggs always disappear so fast when you eat them. They taste so good, and in four bites, they're all gone )': they're like macarons! except that while eggs don't cost you too much, you pay in terms of cholesterol! I shake my fist at the world!

Make your own animation

So I'm eating an egg two days back, and as I'm peeling it, I think, this is the roundest egg I have ever eaten! And then I spend like, fifteen minutes trying to find the most opportune photo spot to show everyone who reads this blog just how round this egg is. And after that fifteen minutes I realize that the contrast can only clearly be seen when compared with another egg that is actually egg-shaped.

The egg in question is the one on the left. Am I right or am I right?

No comments? Fair enough.

And... as it goes, I'm out of words. Gnight!

You are loved.

2011-08-07T21:21:00.013+10:00

word bomb. apologies. a lot on my heart today.

Last year, I remember around this time, I wrote on my blog something along the lines of-
God, I'm so flawed, and angry and prideful.Please give me your eyes, so that I can view the people in my life with love, even when I don't feel like doing so.
And this past semester, I felt so overwhelmed with cell-leading, and trying to stay on top of everything. As a result, I think that prayer, as much as I knew about it and still occasionally thought about it, didn't have that much of a priority in my life. Hmm.
I realize now that... things could have been a lot easier if I had continued to put that wish on top of it all! Because I think that when I pray to view the things and people in my life with love, love becomes your driving force! It's a well-known fact that when you have a passion and a driving force, you don't mind the problems in your life! And when I focus on Jesus and His salvation, what happens is that viewing people with God's love becomes a reality, a natural reaction, part of me. (We love because He first loved us - 1 John 4:19)
---
The funny thing is that this theme has resurfaced in the past week at OCF! I really think that God's love must be the driving force behind any sort of mission movement. It's a little coincidental, or not? Haha. I don't think people talk about this enough though. Really!

Anyway, today was a really good day! Desiree followed me to church and REFUSED to stand up when the introductions were happening. I was sort of gleefully waiting for her to stand up because everyone has to go through that initiation rite, but she refused! So sad. Her excuse was that she is not a woman. She's already 23. Not a woman? Please.
Had lunch at church with ze peoples, and I told Amelia about how to get up early. I read somewhere that you have to condition your whole body to wake up, so you have to "rehearse" it in PJs and brushing your teeth and closing your eyes in bed before responding to your alarm. five times a day. or ten. either way, it is totally lame. And she told us about her musical, which was funny too.

Desiree got an Orange Mocha Frappacino, which I honestly believed only existed in Zoolander, but apparently not! I got an ice-cream cone with a flake in it. And we went to the GPO because I wanted to show her Cacao (Best Macarons of 2010!). We didn't feel like going back yet so we went down to South Bank and watched a bird sunbathe for like, 45 minutes. I kid you not! It was really enjoyable though, saw a lot of cute kids and dorky chinese guys trying to learn how to skateboard. Okay, just one.
The thing that really got me thinking about the things that I just wrote about up there is when we went to Caulfield and I saw this homeless lady. She was in KFC asking for change, and for some reason, I gave her some. It really didn't hit me at all that she would use that change for drugs or alcohol at the time, although she probably did. But anyway, we kept seeing her and when we went to Coles, we saw her come in and sit down on the bench. And she looked so pathetic, like a child that was lost, except that she knew she wasn't a child anymore, so no one would come and help her.

I was sitting on the bus back, just thinking- This woman looks so dishevelled, half-crazy, possibly hooked on drugs, begging for money, shivering in the cold. She wanders around alone, and she looks beaten and bruised a little. and people... ignore her. They look her in the eye for all of a second, and then look away when she asks for some change for the tram. (I don't think I was an exception.)

And yet, she's Somebody's most beloved. To Him, she is worth dying for. He would speak kind words to her (I wouldn't trade you for silver or gold), give her a hug even though no one has done so for a very long time. He would hold her hand wherever she wanders. He would tell her, you're safe with me, anywhere you go, there I am.

the only thing, the hard and cold truth that is so easy to ignore is that she doesn't know that. I feel so helpless, because I don't even know what to pray- and if I met her again, would I have the courage to do as Jesus did, and treat her with the grace that He has shown me?

God, I'm so flawed, and angry and prideful.Please give me your eyes, so I can see what You see,and love everybody,as You have loved me.

On a (somewhat) lighter note...

2011-08-04T23:40:00.004+10:00

Things I have been up to:

1. Fan-girl-ing over Jonathan Clough.

Jonathan Clough is my evidence lecturer. He wrote this totally awesome criminal law tute book that practically saved my life last year (hyperbole)- when describing this to people, I gesticulate and go, "you know, the RED book."- and and and. Okay, this guy is pretty much as close as I'm going to get to something akin to a super hero. Jonathan Clough is also an excellent lecturer, and you should most definitely attend his stream if you're going into evidence some time soon. Plus, while I was crouching over my table on Monday, trying my hardest not to writhe too much from the pain of period cramps/general stomach ache, he came and stood in front of me as he usually does while lecturing- and in some consciousness of weird pain nirvana, I looked deep into his eyes, and realized that they were blue.

2. Eating Eggs.

Shall write on this soon.

Somehow.

2011-08-03T23:10:00.004+10:00

I think that tonight I learnt the joy of having my expectations met... and surpassed.

Sometimes we're so hardened by life, and so sad- expecting things is just too tiring, it's just too much, because we can't be disappointed again. But it doesn't have to be like that. Strangely enough I can remember a time when I was afraid to expect anything from anyone, much less a being that I can't even see. I think that I've learnt over the year, the past year (it feels like a lifetime)- that if you ask and ask with all your heart, and all your soul and your face turned toward Him and only Him, He will answer you.

Jeremiah 33:3-

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

And the most amazing thing is that when you think that you're okay, in the times when you think you're alright, even then, God is still... bigger. Don't get comfortable. Tell Him you are thankful for what He's done. But don't get comfortable, because He wants you to know Him. And God is infinite. So pray a (dangerous?) prayer. Ask Him to open your eyes, to, you know. expand your boundaries, if you will.

Awakening.

2011-08-01T23:18:00.002+10:00

Maybe we’re completely naïve, maybe we’re fools for even entertaining the thought. Maybe we’re too ignorant of all the issues and how deep they actually run. But the thing is that the sceptics will never tire of their own voice, and we’re not always going to get it right. We’re going to stumble time and time again.

Call me a fool- the poor will be with us always, humanity will always be broken, there will always be the man without a home, the widow who suffers alone; there will always be another slave to free, another orphan to come alongside, another conflict to end. The fact is that injustice will raise its ugly head time and time again, and the cruel unpredictability of circumstance will remain around every corner of life.

There’s a sleeping giant beginning to stir. People are awakening to real love, they’re starting to walk in it: our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ-we’re moving beyond our differences: laying down our egos, casting aside our logos, rising up with hearts as one, our value nailed to a cross, that we would find value in the broken, in the hurting, in the lost.

Now if this is foolishness, then let us embrace it. Let this fight against the monster of apathy and indifference. Let the seduction of comfort and convenience and conformity be dead and buried and let us go to war against injustice and oppression. Let our faith and our hope and our love unite us and may the story of our lives in all things reflect the wonder and grace of Jesus’ name.

- Joel Houston.

Greater.

2011-07-30T15:18:00.001+10:00

God is able
He will never fail
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things.

in my life

2011-07-28T23:31:00.004+10:00

Hmm. It's strange. I haven't felt this way for a long time, but I think that I've just been... delaying it. It's not a bad feeling per se. Honest! I think that I just have to stop trying so hard and let/ go with the flow. Maybe it's not my fault, maybe despite how hard I try, I won't be able to talk to some people. which is okay. Because for some strange reason, I will be able to talk to people they can't talk to. And that's just the way the cookie crumbles, and my friends will love me for who I am, whether we spend time sitting in silence, or whether we can yabber on. and on. and on. well, whoever you are, thanks for sitting in my silence, and accepting how strange I am, or thinking that I'm mainstream and chatty. I really do love you.

(freedom in your scars)

was having worship practice just now, and oh-whee! Gosh. I was just surrounded by such amazing musicians. Kenneth, Ian, Jon, Jolynn, Darren, Joewin... I am serious. they're really such a talented bunch. I was just thinking: I seriously pale in comparison to them. And they must pale in comparison to God. Which makes God seriously amazing, amen? :)

Ahoy!

2011-07-26T23:14:00.002+10:00

This is fat-faced me using my brother's headphones to listen to this song:

, which honestly, is the only way to listen to Sunday Morning. I used to be so in love with this song. Honestly, the bass and the drums and that "I like that"~ (listen out for it)

this is me on my first morning back in melbourne. A) I had serious sleep debt, and I thought it would be fun fun fun to document that. B) I'm in love with my new snood thing OKAY get over it

it's so very strange

2011-07-24T09:23:00.002+10:00

just landed from a restless flight. E Soh and I emerged 7 hours later bleary-eyed, hair mussed from a lack of sleep. Exhaustion wrapped itself tightly around everybody, we gave half-nods and grunts in place of civilized conversation. The weather in Melbourne is dismal, not a shred of blue sky is in sight- but honestly, I prefer it like this. If it had been any sunnier, or happier, it would have been too garish a change, as we emerged from the drowsy haze of a red-eye, and everyone would just have been pissed off with headaches and want of caffeine.

also eating a nutritious breakfast of Pocky and water because there's nothing in my fridge. about to go grocery shopping with E, pray I won't fall asleep standing up!

Creative break

2011-07-22T01:26:00.003+10:00

Haha.

I am going back to Melbourne in two days! And I feel like... my heart has done a total 180 in the past few days.

I am actually quite excited to be going back to study law! I just finished reading Persepolis, and I think that this semester... I want to read more non-fiction. Get my head out of the clouds.

I just saw Cher today. And it was nice. Because she was being pensive. And she came over for dinner even though none of us planned it. My grandma was happy that she came over. And we took a walk around and I showed her the spots of my neighbourhood that I liked. And walked in the night air. Looked into the empty restaurants and bars, where the occasional ang moh was sitting. And I asked her a lot of hypothetical questions that I am glad I asked. She laughed, and said The Latter. When I asked why, she laughed and said because I hate mundanity! The bus was coming in and a warm wind was blowing her hair about. She got on the bus and we were both grinning. I yelled, See you in Summer! It was a really perfect moment.

I saw Krys today too. We met so many new people together with Cher. We hung out at Steeples Deli in Tanglin Shopping Centre, and I laughed my butt off because I made Cher promise that the both of us would protect Krystal's integrity, and also I suck at drawing.

Last night, I was thinking about something CheeKai said at Winter Camp too. It was about claiming God's promises, and how all the Israelites had to do to claim the land of Canaan was to take that step to cross the river. That one step, and everything that God had promised them would be theirs. And I want that! I know that God has so much in store for me. And it's really up to me to acknowledge and take hold of that. And I will.

today really was a good day.

sorry!

2011-07-12T17:23:00.004+10:00

sorry i have been so crappy at posting here. Hols are here and I can't be stuffed to do anything other than kick back and do everything that I can't afford to do during the school term.

Anyway, I dunno if some of you know, but my results weren't as great as I had hoped they would be! It's sort of an anomaly. But I guess right now, I just want to say that:

Things can go any way possible. Seriously! The impossible can happen any day. And the fact that things have just turned out the way they have is something to be thankful for, even if by man's standards it seems really terrible. Just before the exam season started, I was reminded of this verse and i thought it spoke of God's provision for me for the semester ahead- I assumed it was that He would provide for me in terms of results as He has for my first year:

Phil 4: 11-13
¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

But it's really about... being content despite bad things or good things! A pretty apt verse for all seasons of my life, I think. And I know that He has let this happen for a reason! So I dunno what to expect at all! But here's to a great second sem nonetheless, cos I can do ALL THINGS through Him that gives me strength (And that means kicking Prop A in the ass!!!)

Ho-oh-oh-ome.

2011-07-04T16:10:00.002+10:00

There is so much to look forward to when you're at home: the obligation to do everything, or nothing at all.

Judas, Peter

2011-06-29T13:47:00.002+10:00

Because we are all
betrayers, taking
silver, and eating
body and blood, and asking
(guilty) is it I, and hearing
him say yes,
it would be simple for us all
to rush out
and hang ourselves.

But if we find grace
to cry and wait
after the voice of morning
has crowed in our ears
clearly enough
to break our hearts,
he will be there
to ask us each, again,
do you love me

luci shaw

Back from Winter Camp

2011-06-27T23:08:00.003+10:00

All my delight is in You, Lord.

All of my hope

All of my strength

society

2011-06-20T00:16:00.005+10:00

Heyy

it's been a strange weekend, because I completed another scarf/snood and was feeling all sad and angsty from having too many movies to watch and nothing else to do.

Anyway, Grace just came over and we were talking for like... three hours? Hahaha. I really think that people make a difference. So if you're feeling depressed, go talk to someone! It was good, and I think that I have found a new friend (: It's not that we weren't friends before, but you know, it's been really long since I've done this thing where I sit down with someone and talk and talk and talk. We were supposed to be planning Winter Camp Program stuff, haha, but got sidetracked as always: We actually have more in common than I figured! It felt good to pray with someone again, like Easter Camp. I really miss that about those days.

Anyway, I've watched an amazing amount of movies and shows over the span of three days. It scares me. Let's see- I watched I Capture The Castle on Wednesday, S1 of Modern Family and Community over Friday and Saturday, and Broken Flowers on Saturday. Plus some Gilmore Girls. But it's just not doing it for me anymore. Jess is annoying. And today I watched Scent Of A Woman, which sounds really trashy, but really it has Al Pacino and Chris O'Donnell won a few Golden Globes and there isn't even a kissing scene! It's totally legit, but the ending is sort of blah though, I think. And Chris O Donnell has beautiful eyes and beautiful face in general, great dressing too- but his acting isn't that great. Anyway.

In store:

- The Office S1 and 2 (UK)

- Atonement

- Science of Sleep

I'm pretty excited. Now I just want to stay up and watch everything, but it's probably not too healthy, so I'm gonna take a bath and go hit the sack.

Nighty night night.

flash bang.

2011-06-16T22:13:00.003+10:00

Make your own animation

So, I just finished my exams.

I wish I could come up with more emotive post titles, whatever

2011-06-14T16:13:00.003+10:00

It really has not been such a long time since I last updated yeah. Somehow I feel like I've died and come alive again. Just had a paper this morning and since completing it, I have gone grocery shopping, cleaned my pantry, done two batches of laundry, bought some printer ink and paper and watched two- not one- but two video tutorials on how to do a bun. Not just any bun. A messy hair bun. Just getting me some life experience, yo!

I feel preetty good today! And to be honest, I've been meeting a lot of people who have really encouraged me this exam season- they've really made it hmm, special? There was Ruth, the girl I met while doing Blessing Ministry- I saw her last Wednesday (about there, the days just meld together now) outside the law library and she actually stopped to talk to me and ask me how I was doing and at the end she even gave me a hug! The bus drivers from Caulfield to Clayton have been super nice and are asking everyone how their papers are and not getting impatient when they have to manage and stuff like 100 people into their bus. This guy at the Post Office was asking me about how my exams were going and telling me about how his exam schedule was terrible and wished me luck for my last paper, and even the dude at Grain Express was telling me what noodle bowl to buy (get the beef brisket). It has been an altogether very warm exam season, although in retrospect, everything always seems better.

Hmmm. I wish I could get me Lawrence Leung's Choose Your Own Adventure. And I wish Youtube would stop playing that stupid Thor burger ad before a video. I mean, come on. Every. Single. Time????????

"I think." "You do?"

2011-06-11T16:36:00.003+10:00

I think that in the end what matters is that maybe we learn the meaning of love, maybe without condition, when our hearts can take that. Love for ourselves, and then love for others- because if you don't know that anyone loves you, then maybe you can't love yourself, and you definitely can't love other people in a way that you were made to, with all of yourself, in the best way that you can.

I think that sometimes it's easier to love other people and forget about yourself, but that isn't right because you're not being honest. Because it's easier to fixate on other people's problems, and flaws, than to figure out what's up with your own broken psyche or heart. Loving yourself doesn't mean hating your past, or forgetting old friends, or sweeping horrible habits or bad experiences underneath the carpet. those things are going to be there no matter what, so you should just do your best to accept them as part of who you are and know that Somebody still loves you no matter what, and if anybody else can't accept that, then they have some battles to fight on their own- don't hold it against them, and just go along remembering what they taught you.

Maybe if I wasn't so scared and was slightly more honest, it wouldn't be so difficult to tell everyone everything. Because real life is what it is- there are no rehearsals, it's pretty much hit and miss, and opening up to someone could be the best or worst thing you could do. I can only hope that I get braver as I grow older.

ties of love.

2011-06-08T22:34:00.004+10:00

How can I give you up?
How can I hand you over?
How can I treat you like,
treat you like a sinner?
How can I look at you,
when you turn against me?
Compassion is stirring, my love, overflowing

for you--

how can I not love you?

You know those moments where you're like, I just can't.

2011-06-08T15:17:00.001+10:00

Through Him who strengthens me, I CAN!

Forever.

2011-06-05T20:44:00.003+10:00

I guess spam bots aren't all that bad. This morning something spammed my old blog, which made me click on this link which eventually led me to this blog post. And my life isn't exactly in shambles right now, but you know, I think that we may take peace for granted, and when we're not working on it, we slowly slip into a panic or a depression or whatever else you fall into.

Anyway, I liked what was written on that post. Previously, I had commented on point four, about driving one's self too hard, and wearing ourselves out as a result. But a second reading made me reconsider point n. 2- we try to make things happen when it's not the right time. I think for some time, I've been thinking about certain things in my life that are or aren't happening. It's all very confusing- and this was a good reminder that as much as I feel that God needs to work in other people's lives, He's working on me too. I think that I still have so much to learn in terms of maturing spiritually, and trusting and waiting on Him and His will for me. Not forcing it.

I had another thought today as I was opening my front door from a pretty short walk around the neighborhood. The thing I love and hate about life is its unpredictability. That way, you never get bored. Sometimes it happens just the way you want it, but the best things probably start off really strangely and unexpectedly, and evolve into something better than what you could have imagined- so, my point is, always be ready. And as Shakespeare once wrote, "This above all, to thine own self be true."- remember that too! Even if people don't like it- the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind. Those who really love you will love you perhaps because of those things, or more often, in spite of those things.

I'm really on a quote roll today aren't I!

And I'm dreaming of a place

2011-06-03T21:21:00.008+10:00

Hi! Just came back from a dinner where I ate too much dessert: warm bubble tea with yam pudding and a Roti Boy! For those who were like me, and before this day had never eaten one- Roti Bread looks like bread, but it is so much more! The top is crispy and the insides are moist with something carcinogenic probably- but everything is carcinogenic nowadays, ah well! What you must know is that it is totally delicious. And it is so going places. I am so full I think I'm going to have an extra tire. Haha!

Am feeling lonely because everybody else (i.e. DREAMPUFFS) went off to watch X-Men. Man, I feel so cell-less! because we had home cell this week and everyone decided not to come, sadface! This must have been what the man who threw the banquet must have felt like. I just want to say that I still believe in SNOOZE! We are all very hardworking people!!! Haha!

Sometimes I wonder why the joy doesn't come like last year- why I don't exactly wake up jumping for joy out of my socks. Since Easter Hols, perhaps, I feel sort of heavier. Not physically, but maybe spiritually or emotionally. Heavy boots, yknow? Perhaps it's the added responsibilities, or maybe this is just me growing up- I always feel like I'm asking God, why do I feel like this? And there haven't been very radical changes in my life, no spectacular revelations, no prophetic dreams. But I feel a calm washing into me whenever I wake in the morning, and I hear a still small voice assuring me in my time of need that He will provide. And perhaps that's what I need for now.

On this day...

2011-06-01T11:18:00.004+10:00

The sun is up, the sky is blue;

it's beautiful

and so are you.

I am very easy to please!

2011-05-31T23:58:00.007+10:00

Take some of those Digestives and... Maltesers. (Yes, I have succumbed to that temptation too)

Grind them to a pulp...

Until it resembles...

Take strawberries that are extremely small but pretty sweet-

Chop those busters up!

All the while cooking and peeling an egg.

Kidding. But I love peeling eggs! Therapy ttm.

Anyway you should always have some of this in your freezer- I like how it says REDUCED FAT, it makes me feel better about myself although in reality, it is probably some marketing scheme and thus only partly true! Ah well.

Chuck tons of it into a bowl and add everything in...

... Voila!

It looks so beautiful right?

Like I said, I'm really easy to please.

you miss the whole point to life.

2011-05-31T14:45:00.005+10:00

Hello!

I am eating raisins in the Matheson library! I just finished a topic of Property law, and was pleasantly surprised to find that I have completed notes for the next topic I was supposed to do.

I read that work is sometimes a 'blessed solace'- and I think I agree. Laying down in bed and sleeping, knowing that you have worked hard is possibly one of the best feelings, ever. And it really is important to know that if you didn't suffer at all, you probably wouldn't be able to appreciate life the way you currently do, so thank God for the suffering :)

Other great feelings would be:

- Having a clean house

- Preparing lunch for yourself in a lunch box

- Eating lunch out of your lunch box

- Feeling warm on a cold day.

Anyway, I have a strange feeling that I have more work than I expect to do, so until next time-

Cola

listen to your crazy laugh

2011-05-30T11:34:00.002+10:00

A video and a skype conversation: Cher on Jane Eyre. (That rhymes)

Recently and Randomly #3

2011-05-29T22:54:00.009+10:00

1. Like the cake says, Happy Birthday E! What a wonderful girl you are :')

2. Attended a Farmer's Market. I bought strawberries and raisins! It wasn't as impressive (read: busy & hippy) as I thought it'd be.

3. Pony with short legs and mane clips (As opposed to like... hair clips? Chortle.)

3. Vegetables.

4. A crisp autumn morning. I didn't even feel like singing California Dreamin', like I always do when I'm depressed in fall or winter. (This picture looked better on camera. It had like, a foreground, a subject and a background... and stuff. You guys can just use your imagination on this one.)

I am sorry, have been studying. Not much goes through this vacuous head of mine, really. Let me just say that it has been quite therapeutic composing this blog post. Have a good week :)

Cola

P.S.

Shout out to Shereen! I think you are very sweet and for the record, you did make me laugh. You also make a mean cucumber-cheese (I can't remember the proper term) crepe thing. Whenever I see this statistic I ~~smile~~ giggle crazily on the inside. If you were here we would watch videos of the sexy saxaphone man and feel emo together. Then we would dance around the room to Akon, be mortified at ourselves and then dispel all sort of mortification by laughing even harder at something else that has no relation to our conversation at all.

Hug.

The more

2011-05-27T13:32:00.003+10:00

people I talk to, the more I realize how unfunny I am. This is not doing a lot for my ego! I feel so bruised!

This is sad. If you know me, please laugh more when you see me, but only in a laughing-with-me sort of way, not a laughing-at-me manner.

Okay. I'm going to eat lunch now.

*laughter track*

Afloat.

2011-05-25T10:55:00.005+10:00

It's only when we realize our inadequacies and we allow our imperfections to sort of float up a little bit- that we realize how fallible we are and how strong He is, that we realize it's Him who's keeping us afloat. So I am pro-imperfections. Haha.

Recently and Randomly #2

2011-05-23T15:02:00.007+10:00

1. Ikea: Soft-toys and Meatballs. Yumm. I am also now the proud owner of a pack of sealing clips, a new lunch box and lint roller.

It tastes so much better than it looks, haha.

2. The sun sets over Mannix College. Somebody is watching footy.

3. -rubs chin-

4. I walked one round around the law library and sat down again because I couldn't believe I more than passed my Consti Essay. Of all things! And then I got up and started doing my 'Oh, yeah~' dance, that really should not be seen outside of my apartment. Then I ate lunch.

That essay made my week. Lots of things made my week, and it's not even properly begun! I am happy. PTL.

Negative productivity!

2011-05-21T21:50:00.006+10:00

I spent the whole day watching lying in bed, watching youtube videos and making and eating curry. Haha. I also went out, but that's another story. I think I am facing writer's block. Also, I can't study on Saturdays. Today was such a beautiful day, and I actually tried on a pair of Docs, but they felt so weird! A little piece of my heart died, as my dreams of being 'punk', or even slightly 'edgy' crashed and burned. So I rode home on the bus and read about leases on the way back to compensate spending some time not studying. I think I really overestimate my capacity to learn and my ability to be disciplined: The trick is to get off the internet! Alas. This video makes me want to go to NY, NY! If only I could!

love,

cola

"Unworthiness stimulates women." - E. M. Forster

2011-05-19T17:54:00.015+10:00

via

My Little Airport

As we speak, another student falls into depression (it passes)

I feel like I'm somewhere else, although I'm really in the library listening to My Little Airport and Sufjan Stevens. I like broken english.

(Textbooks all loaned out, another student sighs, people dance without smiling)

It's that kind of neither-here-nor-there sort of day.

dance in the snow!

2011-05-18T17:37:00.014+10:00

Shopping for boots is the hardest thing ever, just because I don't go shopping that much, and I try but I fail at keeping up with the trends. If people were to look at what I wear, I'm afraid they would think that I'm just awfully conventional and 'safe', I'm inclined to agree- I love my plaid and breton tops and jeans with so deeply. Clothes, I can handle. Sneakers are yum! But boots... Boots are tricky.

You can't really survive a winter with just one pair of sneakers- because the rain gets one pair of shoes wet and then you have to wear your other pair of sneakers and then it just HAS to rain again until your feet are freezing in the middle of winter in ballet flats. Ballet flats aren't that bad, they actually look good too- but I just have to have comfort, sorry peoples!

So-

1. Dr Martens.

I used to love them when I was... younger, I always dreamt of getting a pair! They're so badass! So anti-establishment! So punk. They still kind of are, but somehow, as the years went by, I sort of thought, maybe... neh. It's too hard a look for me. But doing my 'research' (hehe), I'm really starting to re-consider those 8-eyes, thinking about the girls I used to see in my Environments class who could still look pretty cute wearing red Docs. :)

via childhoodflames

The Spring '10 and Stussy X Dr Marten Collections are really nice too but IDK where to order em )':

via here

2. Hunter: Because wellies are so cute! And they will for sure keep my feet warm and dry... technically speaking.

via flickr

3. Sperry: To feed my boat shoe fetish. Hee hee. I shall wear them... with SOCKS.

via here

Or perhaps I'll just stick to the formula I've been using for the past two years- pair of vans and converse hi-tops. Hmm.

I think that even though winter is a sucky sucky sucky time to be studying, I think that I love the clothes one can wear, especially sweaters, with suede elbow patches. How to wash that, is another story that I cannot tell because... I don't own it. Darn you A.P.C for being so darn pricey!

Ok, the break from studying ends, take care now!

cola

stronger than mountains, deeper than oceans

2011-05-17T17:18:00.004+10:00

via createcontrast

Your path led through the mighty sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

Psalm 77:19

Carry me through.

If God seems far away, who moved?

2011-05-15T21:37:00.007+10:00

Harrow! Just woke up from a three hour nap and stuffing my face with porridge that I made, because I didn't want to store it... Hehehe. Note to self (and to you guys too)- one cup of rice actually makes quite a lot of porridge. Remember that.

Yesterday I felt seriously crazy. And God knows people think that I am, just a little bit. But it wasn't the flustered, stressed-out-about-exams kind of crazy, it was the swollen, limbs-too-heavy, muted kind of crazy. Gosh. And when Desiree asked me if I wanted to go for a sleepover at Eilene's, I felt so glad that I had an opportunity to get out of the house. I forgot that I had been nursing a cold, and that I was exhausted from doing nothing, and that my house was a mess.

It was good to forget that for a little bit.

Anyway, we watched No Strings Attached and did typical girl-sleepover stuff, like eating hotcakes at 2 in the morning and hear Kate muse about we should remember this moment because this was the only time it was going to happen- pretty zen, but I do find myself thinking that at times when I feel infinitely happy.

After four (more or less) hours of sleep, I opened my eyes and the first thing I thought was, what is that music and where is it coming from? (Answer: 14 Forever by Stars, coming from the pocket of my sleeping bag.) The second thought I had was, If God seems far away, who moved? The third thought was- curses. Did you wake Vivian up? (Whispered sorry to her. She said it's okay and went back to sleep) Also, this ceiling looks a lot like mine. (I was all ready to send a text to E saying, I don't think I'll be going to church today-) But I want to get out of bed. Needed to. And get myself settled in again into my own skin. And to go to church and hear and read things. I'm so tired- (closes eyes)- wake up! No! Let's go! And I went.

Four hours of sleep- I felt like some father walking out to go to work, leaving his children behind! Haha. It was 9 in the morning and everyone was still fast fast fast asleep. The morning was grey but not that cold, I ate cookies and drank a cup of milk for breakfast. So little sleep, but I felt so fresh- thank you for praying, if you did.

Let that be enough.

2011-05-14T20:05:00.003+10:00

I'm a plane in the sunset

with nowhere to land.

I belong to You!

2011-05-11T20:55:00.006+10:00

Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go.

- Oswald Chambers

it's been a pretty terrible day for me... I think it's the weather! I had a class test today, which really wasn't the best. And the rain, oh, the rain!

Despite these things though, I really think that God came through for me. I realized that even though the test went terribly, if God is a God who watches out for my smallest need, He will definitely carry me through for LAW 4119! A subject... I sorta regret taking.

But care for the small things He did:

I met Sally at the Campus Centre, and we were just talking about how our lives were going. And I told her about something I read for QT this morning that I didn't understand at all, but she explained it to me! And I got to know some of the things that were on her mind. She is quite the reassuring presence :)

Then I bumped into Carmen at Grain Express, and she very kindly lent me some money for dinner because I was out of cash! I mean, what! Admittedly, I didn't put up much of a fight. But still, of all the people to meet, at all the times, in all the places. Heh.

- speaking of dinner, I got two dishes for the price of ONE! (Honey Chicken and Tofu! Balanced meal some more!) Wah! #TypicalAsian

And then I was watching the F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode where Rachel goes back to work and finds that she has been replaced- and realized that it's illegal for SURE in Australia! I would NEVER have known this if I hadn't gone for that subject that I now regret taking! Hmm. I think? Haha.

Pessimistic as it sounds, every bad day has its good point- when you realize that it's drawing to a close, and there's a new start tomorrow, and maybe tomorrow, nothing will be able to bring my mood down. On the bright side, I started on Brideshead Revisited. Evelyn Waugh makes me feel sort of... enlightened (well, I felt a little bit after finishing Howard's End). I have Pocky, the Super Snack! and my bed makes me feel really happy- How much you enjoy your sleep increases proportionately to how cold the weather gets. PTL.

Admittedly,

2011-05-09T01:16:00.000+10:00

I just want to distract myself from work! And you from the fact the post below is actually a political rhetoric that doesn't really say anything you don't already know.

But some questions that I've been thinking about and that you should worry about too. Because I'll bet you haven't thought of these things in a long while.

Questions like, I wonder how Japan is coping right now.

and I wonder how my Gramma is.

Other thoughts:

-faith is a channel

- You're always a slave to something.

- I am sleepy.

- Proverbs 14: 30 says, A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

- The book of John is highly complex and confusing.

Goodnight.

George.

2011-05-08T22:49:00.000+10:00

As a teenager, I feel faintly curious.

As a Singaporean, I feel dissatisfied.

As a law student, I feel... a hint of injustice.

I'm definitely not the best person to be commenting on the GE, because I don't feel like I've been following the elections in a most comprehensive manner. And obviously, lots of people think that I have no credibility just because I think that LSL is cute and George Yeo is cool because he writes about mathematical constants. These people are probably right. Read me with several pinches of salt because I have been known to hyperbol-ize myself off on a tangent.

a distant tangent.

... But if I make sense, a pat on the back and a clap! Hurrah!

So as much as an alternate voice is appreciated, and the PAP not so much... I think there is something fishy going down with the GRC/boundary-marking/seat deciding thing. Yknow? I was talking to Damien, and he was saying that its way too onerous for the opposition to get more seats in Parliament. And I agree, what is up with the 6 seats cf. 84- given the fact that 40% of the votes were given to the opposition?

I appreciate the PAP, and what they've done for the country. And I feel like some people have gotten a bit too carried away with the opposition-for-the-win sentiment: I'm not saying that people shouldn't want a more mature parliamentary system, but compare us with other countries, especially in terms of corruption in a day-to-day sense: perhaps I'm just naive, but the judiciary seems to be pretty impartial (let's save the law society stuff for another day...), I'm pretty sure that the police aren't accepting bribes, and the ministries do an okay job of maintaining the country, no? Somehow, supporting the opposition seems to be the 'in' thing, and I'm just wondering if people are getting a bit too carried away for their own good.

But you know, these pro-PAP sentiments could just be my comfort speaking. And as much as comfort is important, I definitely understand how it is not a legitimate reason to want to retain a political power with questionable policies. I think that the fact that the opposition doesn't have a voice just makes us wonder just what they can offer us- and causes me to realize that a vote cast in the favour of the PAP could be one of fear of stepping out of the boundaries that I know and am well familiar with. I agree that them campaign tactics seem... reminiscent of stuff dictators use. "TRUST US!" "WE KNOW BEST" "TEO SER LUCK!" No brownie points there, LKY...

I look forward to what Nicole Seah has to say. and for that matter, Tin Pei Ling. But I am sad about George. And Chiam See Tong- what troopers. But it wouldn't be politics if there weren't casualties.

Hmm.

That's pretty much all I've been thinking about. I wish I could wax more lyrical, but I think it's a blessing that I can't, for now. Oh, did you know there is a governmental function in the Singapore Parliament known as... a Party Whip?

Hee hee.

recently & randomly #1

2011-05-07T23:29:00.000+10:00

1. via notes by naive

2. mum and her election fever

listening to miles davis, in a last bid to get into a study mood before getting to bed earlier before church tomorrow night. This would never have happened if I had not started on a Friends episode marathon that went on for way longer than it was supposed to... or perhaps resistance is futile. I teared up when monica and chandler got married. (so I'm slow, sue me!)

Also, vote wisely, fellow Singaporeans!

a middle of the year blog-warming

2011-05-07T03:18:00.000+10:00

I have moved here for several reasons- none of which are important! Hello! It's me, Cola Bear. Contrary to what I wrote in my last blog post, I discovered that I still love making new blogs. Hehe. Mainly because I prayed for a new blog name, and found one :) So worrying is over.

my-heart-hopes: and it does. I really want to believe that my heart will just keep on hoping for more- for an undivided heart, for a broken and contrite spirit, for a wealth of joy!

I was pretty sad to delete my other blogger that I made two years ago. (I can't believe that two years have already passed!) I had written a bunch of really sad poetry on that page, and reading it made me feel very talented. But I felt so sad. And although I still love the people that I wrote about back there, I think my feelings have changed, and I like to think that I have developed as a person too.

So I am here to write about new people who are lovely too and to look on the bright side, but learning how to be realistic (read: honest) at the same time. Because it's easy to fake happiness. But I think being really really happy takes courage.

Nice to meet you!